Last month, I hit the seven year mark with NDPH. I also reached my 40th Birthday.
I didn’t really want to celebrate either of them. Do you blame me? 🙂
I’m still being treated for Lyme (one year and four months). The details of my treatment aren’t important at this point.
I still have pain. I try to deny it. When all the pain seems to go away, I am so happy that I go around telling everyone that I am finally better. Then it comes back and I pretend it hasn’t. I pretend to be fine until I can’t pretend anymore. Then I get so angry that I cry, because I’m not fine.
Today, as I sit here writing this, my head feels like it’s going to explode. I would almost welcome the explosion if it meant the pain would stop.
I’m closer to fine. Really, I am. I’m closer than I have been in years. It’s progress, even if it isn’t a cure. I can’t help wanting a cure. I don’t want to admit that 7 years is a long, long time to feel like hell. I don’t want to admit that there is a part of me that fears that it will go on forever.
I hate the pain. Sometimes I find myself hating people who have no pain at all and complain about stupid, stupid things. I find myself jealous of what other people can accomplish because they aren’t distracted by pain. And then I feel shame, for feeling hatred and jealousy.
I’m just being honest. Are my feelings so unique? I think it’s part of the process of learning to live with chronic pain and never truly being fine with that reality.
And now I’m complaining again. I usually try to be upbeat and encouraging for all my readers here, but maybe we all need to vent.
Do you feel like complaining? Ranting? Getting it all out? Has NDPH ruined your career? Your marriage? Your dreams? Do you feel like less than you want to be? Less than you should or could be?
Tell me about it, so I don’t feel so alone in this. I will certainly understand.
Wishing you a low pain day, as always-