Weird title? I know. Living with this headache is weird and horrible, but on some levels, I feel invincible.
I have made it through 5 1/2 years of almost constant pain. There are days that I think I can handle anything at all because of this experience and that the rest of the world is just full of whiny wimps crying about their colds, allergies, acid reflux and irritable bowels.
Do I sound a little bitter? Yeah, I’m working on it.
I might as well be wearing a cape and tights. I am a wonder to myself. Except when I’m in tears from the pain, beating myself up for eating a little brownie and triggering misery in exchange for a few minutes of chocolate heaven. Or when I realize I lost another day to the pain, unable to push through it and get work done, or enjoy a beautiful day with my kids.
So I’m weak and invincible. I’m angry but hopeful. I know that I am better now than I was 5 years ago.
From what I have seen and experienced, it seems that as the years go buy, we go through some kind of mourning process. First, we can’t believe this is happening to us. How could this be happening? How could the doctors not know what to do to help me?
Then we deny it and try to go on with our lives. When we realize our lives are just not what we want them to be, we hit bottom.
Depression sets in. It only makes things worse. So we get up again and try to put things back together. We try new meds or alternative treatments. We keep going.
We keep going. We may be sad for the life we wanted and don’t have. Sad for the precious time our pain is stealing from us. But we go on.
Acceptance. At the 5 year mark I hit acceptance. I hear of people having NDPH for 10, 30, 40 years. If that’s what I’m in for, so be it. I’ve made it this far.
I’m not saying that I’ve given up. I’m saying that I accept this situation for what it is and that has been empowering somehow. This is it. I’m going to deal now. It still effects me daily, and people don’t understand, but I can handle it.
At least most of the time.
What about you? Are you sinking, swimming or treading water?