Spinning Around

Derby Racer

The Derby Racer, At Rye Playland

In my mind, my life has always been spinning. Around and around I go. The same thing happens again and again and again.

At least that is how it seems.

It just keeps spinning.

Sometimes spinning is  fun, like the ride I loved as a kid, The Derby Racer. It gives you the feeling that you are cantering free on the back of horse.

Going around in circles can be a nightmare when there is no brake to stop the ride. My headache is that nightmare.

The pain came back again. Slowly, it fell over me, like a shadow, like the sun setting, the pain fell down on me.

It feels like a darkness, a shadowy sheet that hangs over my life and causes me  first, irritation, then aggravation, then agony. And then it begins to fade, slowly back to aggravation, then down to irritation.

It goes in circles, but I want it to stop.

I feel like I am back where I started. What are my choices? What do I try now? What did I do or not do that brought this back? Is it completely out of my control? It cannot be. It cannot be.

Do you wrestle with this idea as well? That there must be some reason? There must be something you can do? Something, somewhere must be to blame for every up and down and around and around again?

And so I hate this headache again. And here is where I get stuck spinning in anger that I cannot make it stop, that no one seems to be able to make it stop.

Riding free...

And going around like this, of course, gets me nowhere.

So now you know my frustration and the cyclical nature of NDPH in my life. I know I should be thrilled that I had a break from the pain. It is so much more than many people with NDPH get.

But it isn’t good enough.

I’m not settling for it. I don’t even want to speak of it out loud.  I want my life back. I want to be free.

But it has come around for me again.

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Comments

Spinning Around — 5 Comments

  1. Thanks for writing this, I really identify with your frustration.

    I’m sorry your pain came back around. I send you vibes of strength, for what it’s worth. 🙂

  2. Wow,yeh feel for you too I’ve been stuck in the same type of frustration lately, angry that my life is not the same as it was and that I’m now one of those mothers who has to keep telling my kids that I’ve got a headache!Pissed off!!

    • Hi Rachel – that is one of the things I hate most – not being the kind of mother I would like to be, the kind of mother I used to be…
      We just have to try to do our best through this and not give up hope that we will be well again. I think my kids understand now, after nearly 5 years, as best as they can. My two younger girls probably don’t know that it is out of the ordinary for mom to have a headache most of the time. It’s how it has always been for them.
      Just writing that makes me sad. 🙁 Having a tough day here.

  3. amen to that! it hurts me so much not to be able to be the kind of mom i want to be. my oldest was 2 when my headache began, and my second was born in the midst of it. i hate the fact that it’s as normal for my daughter to go to mommy’s headache dr appointments as it is to go grocery shopping. i have always believed that everything happens for a reason, and our struggles are meant to teach us something. sometimes i think that until i figure out exactly what this is supposed to be teaching me, it won’t stop. it even takes quite a toll on my marriage as sometimes he thinks i use my pain as an “excuse.” i get so angry that that he doesn’t understand, but how could he? in spite of it all, i wouldn’t wish this on him, or anyone else for even a day, even if it led to understanding.

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