In my mind, my life has always been spinning. Around and around I go. The same thing happens again and again and again.
At least that is how it seems.
It just keeps spinning.
Sometimes spinning is fun, like the ride I loved as a kid, The Derby Racer. It gives you the feeling that you are cantering free on the back of horse.
Going around in circles can be a nightmare when there is no brake to stop the ride. My headache is that nightmare.
The pain came back again. Slowly, it fell over me, like a shadow, like the sun setting, the pain fell down on me.
It feels like a darkness, a shadowy sheet that hangs over my life and causes me first, irritation, then aggravation, then agony. And then it begins to fade, slowly back to aggravation, then down to irritation.
It goes in circles, but I want it to stop.
I feel like I am back where I started. What are my choices? What do I try now? What did I do or not do that brought this back? Is it completely out of my control? It cannot be. It cannot be.
Do you wrestle with this idea as well? That there must be some reason? There must be something you can do? Something, somewhere must be to blame for every up and down and around and around again?
And so I hate this headache again. And here is where I get stuck spinning in anger that I cannot make it stop, that no one seems to be able to make it stop.
And going around like this, of course, gets me nowhere.
So now you know my frustration and the cyclical nature of NDPH in my life. I know I should be thrilled that I had a break from the pain. It is so much more than many people with NDPH get.
But it isn’t good enough.
I’m not settling for it. I don’t even want to speak of it out loud. I want my life back. I want to be free.
But it has come around for me again.